Along Came Poly(-math)

There's a story out there, I'm not sure if you've heard it but it has many ruminations, about a carpenter who gets drunk one night and at some point ends up giving a male friend a blow job. As the story goes, the man goes into work the next day to find out that all of his co-workers have found out about this odd incident and one guy calls him a cocksucker. To this the guy replies, "I've been a woodworker for 20 years and no one has ever called me a carpenter, but I blow 1 guy and all of a sudden I'm a cocksucker." While I could go off on 50,000 different tangents about that hypothetical story, I'm more interested in how people, or in this case, 1 specific person, get their nicknames. The subject for today's post: Cincinnati Bengals linebacker, and former Michigan Wolverine, Dhani Jones.

Me and some friends have had a connection with Jones since his days at Michigan, not because he was particularly the best player, but because of his profile picture on ABC (after considerable internet research I couldn't find the picture :(, and by considerable I mean about 18 seconds worth). In his pic he had kind of a jacked up afro that went straight up and he had this 'I just took a massive bong hit, and liked it' look on his face. It's easily the best profile pic in the history of college football broadcasting. It was this period when Jones was first deemed a 'Renaissance Man' by uber-douche announcer Brent Musburger. At the time I felt it was hard for anyone in college to be considered a Renaissance man (from here on referred to as RM), what does that mean for someone in college? Does it mean you shower frequently and don't eat ramen noodles/generic mac&cheese 4 days a week? Do you have to own your own bow tie company? And how would Musburger be able to figure this out?...like I said, he's an uber-douche! Anyway, the story could have died there...BUT...to this day, Dhani Jones is still considered to be a RM. The question posed to Third & Forever today, how does one become a true RM if so inclined? Good question, lets explore...

First, we should define what a renaissance man is. Besides being a shitty Danny DeVito movie, a RM, or polymath, is simply a person who has achieved mastery of multiple fields or disciplines and who has a very wide base of knowledge. The term RM refers to the Renaissance period in Europe that took place around the year 1450. The main doppleganger associated with this time period is master artist, engineer, and anatomist, Leonardo Da Vinci, whose main popularity comes from the book 'The Da Vinci Code,' which was later turned into a shitty movie, what a tribute. Some famous fictional polymaths listed on Wikipedia's entry on the subject include: Will Hunting, Batman, James Bond, Fox Mulder (from X-Files), and Sam Beckett (from Quantum Leap). Oddly enough, under 'Sporting Polymaths,' Jones is not listed.

Now that we know what a RM is, how do we achieve that label? Step one is picking out a few (I'd say bare minimum 3, but probably more like 4) subjects that you think you can master. Obviously, we aren't spring chickens anymore, and this task would be best suited to partake in starting at a young age, so you should pick subjects you already know (or think you know) a decent bit about. In my case I guess I'd choose boozing, hot wings, 90's video games, and auto racing. Step two, put your junk in that box. Just kidding, that's from the SNL skit 'Dick in a Box,' which is absolutely hilarious. Another great skit by Andy Samberg et al. is 'I'm on a Boat,' which you can check out here. Unfortunately step 2 actually takes a lot of time and requires a lot of learning, which I was hoping I didn't need to do any more of after graduating college with my prestigious degrees in psychology and sociology (click that link and go to the bottom, priceless). I'm not really sure what step 3 is because I don't think a person can deem themselves a Renaissance Man, you need other people to start calling you that. So, I guess you just go around talking to a bunch of people about the things you have a mastery of and hope they take notice? Maybe? Tragically, it's also possible that step 3 involves you having to die. Like most true genious, it probably won't go noticed in this lifetime.

So there you go, that's the gameplan. Sounds like a lot of work. It's possible I'll stick to the phrase "jack of all trades, master of none." Regardless, check out Dhani Jones show starting on the Travel Channel in 2 weeks, it looks pretty cool. Or, if you're into boobs and stuff, check out this show by one of the retarded chicks from E!'s 'Girls Next Door.' That could be interesting as well...if her top falls off...and she doesn't talk.