LOST Premiere Diary

I know in my last post I said I would finish telling you why my weekend was so piss poor in my next entry. Well, hate to dissapoint but with the LOST premiere, some things have to take a back seat. If you're truly dying to know what happened on Saturday night and Sunday feel free to call/email me and I'll give you all the details. If not, heres the short version: Saturday night I could barely walk cause I ran 18 miles and I was set-up on a blind date that didn't really go so well. Sunday, I had to watch the Browns two biggest rivals, the Steelers and Ravens play for the AFC championship...humongous slap in the face, actually I'd rather not talk about that. Onto the important stuff...

I'm not really sure how to put into words how excited I was for the LOST season 5 premiere last night. The writers strike basically ruined my life last year as we were only given 13 episodes of the best show ever put on free broadcast television, and ever since then I've had an empty feeling inside that not even more cowbell could cure. While the season 4 finale was the best single episode of any tv show in the history of the world, I still felt robbed and was looking forward to this new season like it was nobody's business. When the airdate for the season 5 premiere was announced last fall I was like a really fat guy hearing about the new Triple Angry Whopper at Burger King, except my appetite was for a triple helping of Desmond, Jack, and Kate. Wow, when I read that last sentence out loud it sounds pretty gay. Actually, not just pretty gay, it sounds super duper Short North, Columbus gay. But as Faraday would go on to tell Sawyer in the premiere, "You can't change the past James." So to honor the show, I won't change the homoerotic sentence, not for you, not for anybody.

To best chronicle my thoughts as the show unfolded I decided I would keep a running diary of what was happening. A few thoughts before the show starts, FOX made one good call and one bad call with their programming choices tonight. Good- moving American Idol to 8 so it didn't compete with the actual premiere. Bad- premiering the new show 'Lie to Me' at 10 pm, during the 2nd hour of LOST. If you're Tim Roth you must be killing your agent, you go from being in a kickass movie like 'Reservoir Dogs' to being put in a pilot that premieres during the same time slot of a ratings monster? Yikes, Ari Gold would never let shit like that happen to one of his clients. I was also going to put in a little tirade about TBS airing the new Tyler Perry show 'Meet the Browns,' which I'm sure is hilarious, cough, cough, during the LOST premiere. I was going to...but now I'm not. Onto the LOST...the first hour was basically a refresher of the past 4 seasons for people who possibly just started watching. The real good stuff didn't start til 9...

9:00 pm EST- The show starts with the Asian doctor who goes by 3 different names attempting to film a Dharma Initiative educational film in the past only to be called away by a worker, as they talk a person walks up and takes off his hardhat to reveal its Daniel Faraday! Oh snap! It looks like this guy is going to play a big role from here on in, he's a shaky guy, but he's better than the other members of the freighter research team.

9:06- Ben and Jack are at the funeral home and decide they need to take Locke's body. Does it get any lower than stealing a dead guys body from a shitty funeral home (or nice funeral home for that matter) with a drugged-out, boozed-up surgeon who has a shitty beard? I think Ben Linus needs to re-evaluate the people he hangs out with. If he was wearing sweatpants I'd say he had absolutely positiely 100% hit rock bottom.

9:12- First text from my LOST buddy Jimmy- 'LOST is back.' You're goddamn right it is.

9:18- Uh oh, Locke looks up to see the crashing plane of Yemi, the Priest brother of my second favorite LOST character, Mr. Eko. Dear GOD, I don't ask for much but please, please, bring back Mr. Eko for at least a 2 episode arc. Thank you. Sincerely, Brandon C. Deagle

9:27- If I were Sayid I wouldn't be caught dead with Hurley. Hurley is easiestly the worst character on the show. Sayid was in my top 3 characters for a while, especially after the season 2 episode 'One of Them,' in which it is revealed his nickname is Sayid the Torturer. I wish that was my nickname, how awesome would that be if when I walked into a bar everyone said, "Hey! It's Brandon the Torturer! Let's have a beer!" Sadly, I'm not sure Sayid is even in my top 5 characters anymore, he's really forgotten what he's about...the torturing.

9:36- It's obvious by this point that Faraday is now a major player. It's too bad I hate him, not Daniel Faraday, or the guy that plays him (Jeremy Davies), but the fact that Davies played Corporal Upham in 'Saving Private Ryan.' Upham is the biggest pussy character in any movie ever. First, he lets the one Jewish soldier take a knife in the throat from a Kraut and just stands there. Second, he shoots the same kraut later in the movie...while he's unarmed. Classy. See, I don't believe in guns of any sort, I think they're for cowards. I'm a hand-to-hand combat guy, if you can't get it done with your fists, you are a pussy, just like Upham.

9:40- The white ageless man Richard Alpert tells John Locke "You're going to have to die John." One of the five best LOST lines, the best line hands down is still "We have to go back Kate! We have to go back!"

9:50- My main man Desmond Hume finally gets some screen time. Desmond is the best character ever. I'm the only person I know that feels that way and I don't care. He rules. Faraday tells him that he is unique and special. Goddamn do I know how to pick talent.

9:59- Another reason why Hurley is the worst character on the show, after being found by Penny Widmore's boat he refuses to go along with the other 5 members of the Oceanic 6, in terms of lying about what happened on the island. I hate that guy, how can you trust someone who was stuck on an island for half a year and didn't lose a single pound. What a joke.

10:09- I hate to make a positive comment about Hurley, but seeing him buy a "I Love my Shih-Tzu" t-shirt reminds me of the summer of 1997 when I drove with my friends Ed and Alex to our Fraternity's summer leadership conference in Ed's grandpa's truck...which had a bumper sticker that said "I Love my Schnauzer." That week was hilarious, I've never seen 3 people reaach such rockstar status as we did over those few days. We were easily the coolest guys there. Man how things change, ahhhhh, memories.

10:12- Kate Austin sucks as a character, but if she wanted to consider you her son, even if she wasn't...would you care? Hell no, she is fine as hell. Her character did blow up her shitty stepdad though, that was pretty sweet.

10:18- During the commercial break there is a spot for the local ABC affiliate WSYX Channel 6 featuring their head news guy Gabe Spiegel. Does that sound like the name of the guy you want to get your news from? No. That sounds like the name of a guy who has to register as a sex offender whenever he moves to a new county. Here's how bad channel 6's ratings were, they had to combine with the local FOX affiliate for news to try to compete with the NBC and CBS stations...and combined they're still ranked 3rd...out of 3...two stations combined. Thats spectacular.

10:26- Flaming arrows? What is this? Braveheart, Gladiator? WTF. At least crybaby Neil takes one in the chest. Christ, the guy had been on screen for 2 minutes and I already wanted him dead. Maybe he got a DUI in Honalulu last week and the directors needed to kill him off, either way I'm fine with it.

10:43- Reason 2,741 to hate Hurley, he lets the cat out of the bag that the Oceanic 6 have been lying about what happened on the island to his mom. This guy is terrible.

10:48- Another Channel 6 commercial with Gabe Spiegel claiming they have the inside scoop on why United 1549 went down in the Hudson last week. No shit? You think it was the Canadian geese like they've been saying since day 1? Way to crack the case Sherlock. What's next? You have the skinny on who's burried in Grant's tomb? Keep up the good work Gabe! And, who names their kid Gabe without having the expectation of their kid getting pummeled daily until they're at least 16 or 17. And, if you're name isn't Gabe and you're trying to break into tv/movies, why the fuck would you change your name to Gabe? I would change my name to Humpy before I would change it to Gabe. Humpy Deagle. Deal with it.

10:50- Is Troy Polamalu Sayid's stunt double? For a split second their I thought he was going to intercept that needle from Jack and take it back for 6. Fuck me, why are commie Steelers present in every aspect of my life? What have I done to deserve this?

10:56- It's the last few minutes of the show, something big has to happen. Theres a woman working near some computers and she goes upstairs and Ben Linus is there to talk to her. She turns around and...and...it's Miss Hawking! They talk and we're led to believe that she's the puppetmaster pulling all the strings! I think my head is about to explode, I need to go to bed. Only 166 hours until the next episode!