Fast Food for Thought

I'm in a little bit of a blog bind right now as I'm at least one week behind on posting my LOST diary. Week 4 was kind of a bust as I was tired when the show aired and didn't even record my thoughts until re-viewing the episode on dvr some days later, which meant my thought was more of a summary of events rather than the true running diary that you've become accustomed to. I regained my zeal this week and put in the proper effort of doing live recording while the episode aired. I promise you, my faithful readers, I'll do my best to get these up for your consumption. This season of LOST is absolutely insane and it's almost too much information to take in at some points. This past week, while the episode still had tons of good stuff, it was a little more subdued in terms of overall craziness so my amount of notes is somewhat short compared to the previous week. Although, the preview for next weeks episode has me giddy as I feel it could be one of the best episodes of the season. In the season 3 finale, Dr. Jack Shephard said "We have to go back (to the island.)" He's goddamn right, I think it's time.

So, while procrastinating finishing up episodes 4 and 5, I decided to I'd finally address an issue that has been in my notebook since before Christmas, the fast food heirarchy. Obviously, not all fast food joints are created equal and I thought it was my job as a responsible online journalist to address this issue and let the world know what I deem to be the top 10 fast food restaurants, in order from worst to best. The timing of this list is now considered suspect though as Bill Simmons, a writer for ESPN.com, loosely discussed a similar topic on his podcast earlier this week. Simmons has gone out of his way to steal other material from my blog and real life (i.e.- ripping on Michael Rappaport during the NBA all-star game, having a post-fantasy football season pizza party, and writing a best selling book about the Boston Red Sox). Well Sports Guy, enough is enough, I can't let this theft of my intellectual property continue. I'll inform you about the lawsuit in the upcoming weeks. It's too bad too, I consider his podcast my favorite, it's too bad our relationship has come to this. Lets move onto the list...

First, in terms of defining what restaurants qualify as 'fast food restaurants,' I went with the loose boundaries of 'food providers who either mainly have stand alone drive-thru buildings, or mainly operate in shopping mall or airport food courts.' This disqualifies places such restaurants as Panera Bread, Jimmy Johns, Potbelly's, Sonny's Barbeque, and possibly Chipotle (but they wouldn't have made the top 10 anyway, so I didn't do any research into what kind of locations they have). Second, the order was determined in terms of 'if a branch of this restaurant was immediately next door to a branch of the company in the position in front of it, and I were hungary, I would choose the one at the lower number.' Meaning, assuming I just hadn't eaten at the joint in position #3, I would pick #3 over numbers 4-10. Here we go!

10- Taco Bell. Ahhh, the Bell. Everyone has a soft spot in their heart (or their gut), for the Bell. We all have great memories, mostly of which are probably partial, of border runs from years gone by. You can't go wrong with the bell, especially in terms of price. Sometimes I wonder how they come up with some of the shit they put on their menus, but for the most part I like it, even though I probably only hit the Bell once every 4 months. This is more of a sentimental pick, mainly due to the fact The Onion did a story about the Bell in Bowling Green.

9- Panda Express. This is more on here simply because I like chinese food and Panda Express is the only real option. Its decent food but I think it's a little pricey, especially for how small the portions are. And, the food isn't good enough to overcome the cost, some places can pull this off, but the Panda can't. I don't think I've ever gone to one that isn't at an airport.

8- Subway. I remember a time when Subway used to be the cheap and light alternative for fast eating. In Subway's hayday it had Quizno's stomped in terms of price, even if they didn't have toasted subs, but that wasn't their game so it was alright. Then Quizno's came along and changed the game. All of a sudden Subway was microwaving their subs and calling them 'toasted.' Then they started jacking up their prices cause at some point they brainwashed the world into believing if you ate their subs you'd instantly drop 10 pounds, screw Jared and their product placement in NBC's 'The Biggest Loser.' Their chocolate chip cookies are phenomenal, turkey breast & ham subs are the bomb, and they have the great little bags of apple slices. But, as I've mentioned before...their employee's are cheap cocksuckers. I'm not going to get started on that, let's move on before I have an aneurism.

7- In-N-Out Burger. This is easily the biggest cult fast food franchise in the history of the world. It started when Mikey in 'Swingers' sported an In-N-Out shirt and has gotten out of control from there. Now, anyone who is anyone is heading straight to an In-N-Out location when they head to Cali, Az, or Las Vegas. I think it's good, but it's also the most overrated chain in the world. The service is slow, and the fries are terrible. Yet, for some reason whenever I'm out west I always hit one up at some point. No joke, one time I ate at In-N-Out 3 times in the same day. I had just gotten back from Australia and there were wildfires and a lot of drinking involved but it did happen. And last year at one near San Francisco, I pissed all over the outside of our own rental car while we were in the drive-thru at 2am. I also have 3 In-N-Out shirts, so deal with it.

6- Burger King. Hands down the worst run fast food chain in history. I can't say that I've ever had a positive experience at a BK, either because of their employees or fellow customers. That being said, Whoppers rule. It's a fact. Plus, they have the King, and he's a pretty cool cat.

5- Sbarro. Nothing says 'I'm at a shopping mall or airport food court' quite like a trip to Sbarro. Their lack of freestanding structures says 'we hate buying, we love renting.' It's a very unique business model, not much unlike baseball hat stores, Sharper Image's, and cell phone accessorie peddlers. I think the best option here is the pizza stromboli with some breadsticks, even if you could fill up a shot glass with grease that comes off the strom. Plus they have pizza, which is never a bad thing. I think Sbarro is at the top of the food court food chain seeing how it's one of the only nationwide (possibly worldwide) staples at airports and malls. Whatever they do, they should keep doing it cause its clearly working.

4- Arbys. For some reason Arbys is like the fine french wine of fast food places. I don't know too many people who would unconditionally go to Arbys at any given point. Most people need to be in the right state of mind, cajoled, or otherwised convinced to head there which is disappointing. Going to Arbys is an event, kind of like going to the circus. When you tell other people you went there they say, 'Wow, really, I love Arbys! I haven't been since I was a kid.' Arbys is absolutely fabulous. Their only real downfall is their lack of locations, but it's also kind of their strong suit because if you had it too much, you might take it for granted. And Arbys doesn't deserve that.

3- Quiznos Sub. As I stated earlier, Quiznos blew up the sub game with their toasted subs. Watching your sub slowly cruise through the oven is like watching your immature son become a polished man right in front of your very eyes. When it comes out, you almost feel bad eating it because you can feel the love that has been baked in. And the icing on the cake is the pepper bar, like cheapass Subway has the balls to offer AYCE condiments to the customers. Their cookies suck, and they only offer chips as sides, but their subs are diabolical (not as good as Potbelly's though). A large classic Italian with heaps of jalapeno's after a big workout is a staple for me. Unlike Panda Express, Quiznos can overcome the steep price because the subs are sooooooo good.

2- Chick-Fil-A. Exhibit A- waffle fries. Do I need to say anything else? No, but I will anyway. Exhibit B- the best and nicest employees of any food place on the planet (they bring you refills so you don't have to leave your table, how sweet is that?). Exhibit C- the best chicken sandwich in the game. Exhibit D- the best breakfast chicken biscuit around. Exhibit E- authentic sweet tea. Their chicken sandwiches are so good McDonald's had to try to steal their idea of 'southern style.' Fuck you McDonalds, that's why you didn't make the list. That and the fact that your mascot is far too excited to be around little kids than what he should be for being a grown man.

1- Wendy's. This was a tough decision, and a very close call, but in terms of fast food joints, Wendy's truly is the king of kings. Their double burger is the best burger hands down. Their spicy chicken sandwich is outstanding. They have the best straight fries out there. The real clincher though is the option to substitute fries on combos for baked potatos, salads, chili, etc. They have the best value meal of any chain which is good in todays tought times. Their main detractor is that they don't have an independent drink island so you can get your own refills, I hate having to stand in line if other people are waiting to order cause when the cashier ignoress them to get your refill they always shoot you a dirty look like you're skipping them in line. Excuse me dick, I'm not skipping you, I've already paid my dues and got my food so stand there and shut up while I get my complimentary refill in a new cup.