NBA All-Star Awesomeness

I knew the yearly defensive basketball clinic known as the NBA all-star game was this weekend but hadn't realized this event had morphed into a week long celebration of half-assed events full of c-list celebs. I also knew the game was on Sunday night on TNT but was upset to learn there wasn't a 'Law & Order' marathon to lead into it. I know there's a 'L&O' episode that was centered on a washed-up basketball player who murders his brother that would have been a perfect lead in, and a 'L&O' marathon was needed cause tv today was absolutely terrible. When the Daytona 500 is the only thing even remotely worth watching...that's bad. According to the NBA's website the first official event of the 'weekend' was the Swifter Wet Jet Zygote game which featured 1 month old fetuses of people who have been extras in either Tom Hanks or Will Smith films, which took place two weeks ago. I think nba.com has the highlight video for the game. On Tuesday, they held their annual 'Brandon vs. his high school friends in SEGA Bulls vs. Blazers,' competition. In round 1, John Starks won a barnburner over Mark Price 208-201. Price really lost his legs the final few minutes allowing Starks to pull away, but it was a spirited competition by both participants. It was really awkward breaking into my old high school house so we could recreate the proper playing conditions from 1993 but it was well worth it.

By Friday, they had actually worked up to an event where it's possible you've heard of some of the people participating, the McDonalds Celebrity Game. This game used to be on MTV and was called the Rock-n-Jock BBall Jam but apparently after Roger Mcdowell quit returning MTV's calls about participating, they sold the rights to the game to the NBA. Tragically, the league has done away with the 25 point circles on the floor, as well as the 20 foot high basket that was worth 50 points, apparently in the name of 'competitive integrity.' Whatever NBA, I'd rather see 5'8" celebs dunking trying to dunk on a 9 foot rim. So, within .0004 seconds of seeing the lead-in to the tv telecast on the Ocho, I knew exactly how this game was gonna go down. Fade in on Stuart Scott and Terrell Owens, boo ya! Is it possible for a celebrity team playing for charity to be imploded by one of its players for ripping apart the coach at half time? It is when T.O. is on the team! I could already see the headline on nba.com for the following morning, 'T.O. rips Magic Johnson after being benched in pick-up game.' Or possibly, 'T.O. incarcerated after attempting to stuff basketball down Michael Rappaports throat on failed alley-oop.' Is there any question that T.O. is going to be that one guy who is trying 8 times harder than anyone else on the court? Everyone knows that guy I'm talking about, the guy in a friendly coed game that ends up tackling a girl and breaks her shoulder? The guy who wears metal cleats to a work softball game and slides into second spikes up? Yeah, you know that guy. If I were to put the over/under on T.O. assists for the game I'd have to put it at .5, and I would definately bet the house on the under. Like theres a chance in hell he's getting an assist! Upon checking out nba.com on Saturday I was vindicated as T.O. poured in a game high 17 points and was named MVP (for the second straight year no less), but he also had 1 assist. And Rappaport, the worst actor ever, had 8 fouls...good work champ.

As I'm typing this I'm watching the actual all-star game and noticed a few things. 1- the arena announcer must have taken some horse tranquilizers or something, I've never heard a more subdued p.a. guy. But, I actually liked it. Watching the intros during most NBA games is like watching the intros for the WWE Royal Rumbe...except on more steroids...if that's possible. I think theres a happy median between the normal gutteral screaming of most announcers and this mope. 2- Shaquille O'Neal is hilarious, his dancing spiel with the Jabbawockeez during the intros was spectacular. How did he get so many q's? I probably shouldn't worry about it. 3- Those dancing guys with the white masks are called the Jabbawockeez, I didn't know that before. After seeing them in those creepy Gatorade G commercials, I googled 'white masked dancers' and was never able to figure out who they were. 4- At halftime they said the players from the 2008 USA mens basketball team were going to be given rings to commemorate their gold medal performance. Fuck, call me crazy but didn't they already get the commemorative gold fucking medals? Do they really need a ring to help remember that two week period where they monkey stomped the rest of the world? 5- Craig Sager, seriously? Are you being serious with that suit and shoes? Seriously, enough is enough.